Vote Nobody

He’s got a Masters in Politics, you know.

I am quite taken by a new development in our current general election campaign. A political party that realistically has no chance whatsoever, has developed a movement for people to vote for ‘none of the above’, as the ballot slip allows. Their campaign posters show a series of unsavoury animals in suits with the slogan ‘Keep the animals out of Parliament’. Predictably the national vets association has complained for comparing innocent animals with politicians.

It reminds me of the old anarchist slogans – ‘don’t vote, it only encourages them’  and ‘whoever you vote for the politicians get in’.  But it goes beyond this to actually attempt to motivate people to vote, but actively vote for nobody at all.

It is an idea whose time has come. Plucky little Belgium has spent a year watching their bickering political parties attempt to form a coalition and fail, with the result that there has been no government for this period. And the sky didn’t fall in, regardless of the siren screeches of the doom-merchants.

So here’s your challenge. Imagine a ballot paper where you are invited to vote either for a politician (living or otherwise) or Nobody. Name that politico who so gets your hackles up that voting for Nobody is a distinctly rational choice. A point or two for the most compelling case, with credit given to pungent and intemperate language.

Meet the new boss/ same as the old boss//

Published in: on June 13, 2011 at 7:05 am  Comments (49)  

Gasbags of Tedium

So people are deserting this blog? I aint surprised. Thinking of leaving it myself. And why?

I’ll tell you. I’ve never seen such a smug bunch of peely-wally gasbags in my life. This is supposed to be a blog for rants and raves but it’s all so balanced and restrained. Pseudo-liberal nuance and mild offence if anyone steps out of line, like someone loosing a ripping fart at the soiree. “Oh Deidre we simply must expel that ghastly uncouth oik, he’s not one of us”

It’s become a haunt for a pack of Rev J.C. Flannels – “Yes Satan does attract a certain negativity in the commentariat but on the other hand…” Why do we need to give the other side? Just let rip. You don’t need to add references and a bibliography. Blurrrgh.

Stereotyped feminist bollox from the females, jokey blokey pub banter from the men. One-trick ponies who always twist the bland thread to their own tedious monomania. I mean, who gives a flying fuck about ID cards and holistic transgendered lentils? Who?

And that wretched last line – it’s always from some naff act in the 80’s but not one of their hits, so its hard and for the connoisseur. God, how I hate it. Last line my arse, it’s vile. Then there’s those dumb photos I save while looking elsewhere so I can insert them in posts and be terribly post-modern and ironic. Pass the sick-bag Alice.

There’s not enough posters – most are from me on my endless hospital adventures which might engage me a lot right now but we’ve all got collared by some boring old twat who goes on and on about his predictable illnesses and his ludicrous remedies. And we all legged it, right? Right. I’ll snip my drip before I turn into one of them.

Too much talking. Talk talk talk talk talk the sound & fury signifying nothing. Blether blether bleat babble babble blether blether bleat blether babble. Punctuated with staccato braying laughter Hahahhahaha. Set it on tapeloop; do it once then rewind & play again and again as new babblers emerge. They come in your house and you have to flee to the bedroom but it doesn’t stop them & you can hear the low bletherdrone grinding on punctuated with Hahahahahaha.

Its not going to be a good day today

Published in: on April 25, 2011 at 8:39 am  Comments (15)  

Kindalike maybe

Emperor Ming issues a fatwa against pointless maddening qualifiers.

Kindalike. Dontcha just hate it? This ludicrously irrelevant neologism is just about ubiquitous and it must be stamped out immediately. Where did it come from? What is its point? Examples, I hear you cry. Well kindalike hang on, here they kindalike come.

  • “I guess I’m kindalike thinking of a Thai massage”.  Are you actually thinking or not? Or is it just a simulacrum of thinking? And why do you have to guess? Is this thought as we know it or not? And why is this pointless debate needed in making a breathtakingly simple order?
  • “And she’s kindalike Ugh and I’m kindalike Wow”. Excuse me, do you speak English?
  • “I guess maybe I’ll have the chicken”. Why the maybe? Is it the chicken or not? Or some quasi-chickenish entity unknown to science? Is that a Yes or a No? Why hedge it?
  • (A personal favourite) “If I kindalike buy a whole kindalike heap of the herbal products, like what will it kindalike cost?”. “Depends what’s in the heap” was my reply. But how can you kindalike buy anything? Either a financial transaction occurs or it doesn’t.  And what, pray, is a kindalike heap? A ziggurat?  A termite mound? Something with some attributes of heapishness but by no means all?

I first noticed these mangled debasements of our language a few years back, usually by our North American friends. Often English teachers (oh irony!). But now its everyone. Brits kynalike do it, Irish koindaloike do it,  Ozzies kannalak do it. Even people using English as a second or third language have been infected – “Zo now I am zinking of maybe ze oil massage unt also ze kindovlike steam room”. Enough.

It seems essential to deliver these spectacularly senseless missives in the tone of a dead cod, or that of an android from early science fiction B movies. With all emotion crushed out of the tone, they have to make wild flapping motions to denote emphasis.  “If I kindalike buy (waving two-hand flap) a whole kindalike heap (helicopter take-off flap) of the herbal products, like what will it kindalike cost ?” (crescendo flap, spilling drinks, shattering glasses and knocking people’s hats off).

"Not kindalike bunga bunga, is kindalike blinga blinga"

I have cast-iron proof of the sheer redundancy of these idiotic interjections. If they had any relevance to sentence construction they would have entered the parallel abomination of textspeak  (& im kndlk ug & shes kndlk wow).  They haven’t. Neither have they entered the dismal lexicon of net abbreviations like the ghastly LOL. They simply have no point or purpose.

In Darwinian terms they must be doomed to extinction. Serving no actual meaning or providing no actual value, they must be replaced with phrases of competitive advantage. But yet they proliferate. Why?

"I guess maybe I kindalike might, but I'm kinda unsure right now".

I am prepared to speculate that there is some rogue virus that assaults the speech centres of the brain. Once lodged, the speaker is completely unaware of its malign influence  while the virus rocks with mirth at the inanities spouted by its host. Why else would Americans describe everything as “awesome”? I remember, years ago, everyone being infected with a mild prototype of the virus whereby we would all say “Nice one Cyril” for no reason whatsoever. Eventually the malady wore off, leaving the continued afflicted looking sheepish.  But now the virus has mutated into such malignant and highly infectious strains that there seems to be no remedy.

I hereby declare jihad against the users of such vile nonsense and urge a culling of all infected speakers in order to purify the language. When you meet them, just kill them quickly and painlessly. There’s not a court in the land will convict and, besides, they’re kindalike asking for it. Maybe.

Something kinda oooh/ Jumping on my toot-toot//

Published in: on March 1, 2011 at 10:35 am  Comments (21)  

Global Dorking

By our resident climatologist Ming the Tolerant

One of the unexplored but crucial aspects of climate change needs to be brought centre stage. While weathers fluctuate wildly – record highs, lows, wets, drys – one constant factor has been a dramatic plunge in IQ regardless of external climatic effects. A rising tsunami of Stupidism now threatens to sweep away all vestiges of normal discourse and behaviour.  Examples, I hear you cry, evidence; let’s get empirical around here. Well OK, these examples come from just our little spa in the last week and, if replicated globally, point to an irreversible shift to global dorking.

  • Phone call. “Hello, we want to book a full-day package for 5 people.” “Certainly madame, when would you like to come?” “Tomorrow, but we need to finish by 13.00.” ” Tricky, the full-day package takes 6-8 hours and we open at 10.00.  Have you considered a 3 hour package?” “Oh no, it’s got to be the full-day package”. “It would appear difficult to fit an 8 hour package into 3 hours, given the laws of space-time”. “Yes (and this is their trump card) but we’ve booked a minibus to Ayutthaya at 13.30 so we’ll have to be finished before then.”
  • E-mail. “We don’t know when we’re coming and we don’t know how many people and we don’t know what we want. Please send availability and exact cost”.
  • E-mail. “We have reviewed your website and feel sure you will agree that we are the perfect link partners. Please add this link <Concrete blocks delivered to your site>… ” Also <Death tours in Bosnia> & <Liposuction for the over 70s>.
  • Phone call. “if we go to the tigers then go elephant rafting and then go to eat somewhere can you meet us at the restaurant?” “When? Where?”  “Oh, you don’t know?” “Give us more clues”. “Well we really thought you’d know” (click).
  • E-mail. “We’re thinking about coming on the train but we’re not sure. What time can you pick us up?”
  • E-mail. “We want to go to the museum and Hellfire pass and then get the train back to Kanchanaburi but we want to stop at the elephant bathing then go to the night market. Are my shoes OK for this? <Gives link to teva sandals>. Do you think my ballet shoes might be better? <link provided>. What should we wear on the train and do we need to get changed for the elephants? Do you think they’ll have vegetarian food for Evangeline? I’m not sure we’ll ever make it to your place! Please reply asap.”
  • E-mail. “Urgent. Do you have availability for 3 people yesterday?”

I could go on. And on.  But I think I’ve pretty conclusively proved my point.  So, in the spirit of genuine data-gathering, I offer the point to the post that most corroborates my thesis – are things getting thicker out there or whut?

Published in: on January 25, 2011 at 8:04 pm  Comments (56)  

Drives me nuts

By our motoring correspondent  No2ID

If they’re driving slower than me they’re idiots. If they’re driving faster than me they’re maniacs. Right or what?

Point goes to the edgiest drive story.

Published in: on November 23, 2010 at 8:01 pm  Comments (10)  

Lost

We have been approached by the delightful Lotte. Can anyone help a damsel in distress?

Here’s the e-mail in full. “I’ve lost my hairdryer. Can anyone help? Love from Lotte”

This is clearly a priority Red alert. Defcom 3. All leave cancelled. Whatever you’re doing, log off now and join in the search. We need to find this hairdryer now, there’s no saying who’s got it. Or even what they’re doing with it. Life as we know it may depend on what the fiendish kidnappers intend.

Published in: on September 18, 2010 at 9:51 pm  Comments (24)  

EDL

By our community relations correspondent HornDevil

so how can they say the EDL is racist when its run by a Seek? They got negroes & all sorts in there but the most is just plain englishmen wanting to make a point about all the islams. they wento to reclaim bradford & got beat up by there own folk in the police & never got the chance to march as a Tory minster said they had to be static. I mean, what’s going on???

All them asylum seekers & immgrants can march and call for thre rights and sharai law but a native-born englishman gets kettled & all they want is england for the english.

The yanks got it right, build a wall & keep ‘,em out so they arnt building mosks on 9/11 sacred terrtorry then bombin the good folks with there suicide bombers. mymate says that obama is a islam too but its all hushed up for the takeover. but at laeast cameron & clegg are natural born english so why don’t they let our folks get there streets back? winston churchill will be spinnin in his grave, & enoch powell too. i mean, who do they cheer for in the test match, eglnad or the match-fixing mafia mullahs? just shows what there like, family all flooded & theyre scamming the cricket.

EDL just want to stand up for the basic englishman against all the politcally correct lefties what say they come forst. Whats wrong with it? why arent we all in it? You want immgrants in your cuntry? E-E-EDL! E-E-EDL!

Published in: on August 31, 2010 at 7:44 pm  Comments (48)  

Neverland

Obituary by HornDevil

That Mickeal jackson eh? 1st he’s black then hes white then he’s dead. danglin babies over balconies, well it aint right, & all his brothers islam. all that whooping & groin scratching. oooh so macho with his militry uniforms, & that janet can’t keep her top on. likes his monkeys oh yes but he’s a druggy. tell you waht, i wouldn’t have im at my place, there’s kiddies about. just make your own mind up.

Published in: on July 25, 2010 at 8:25 am  Comments (10)  

Fanatics in our midst

By our fanatical correspondent Delbo Desperado 

The word Fanatic has a real bad press, it’s become associated with beardy bombists or swivel-eyed Goddists. This cunning spin has allowed millions of infiltrators to slip under the radar and wreak havoc in civilised society by endlessly pushing their own severely localised passion upon unsuspecting folks. 

You know the sort – whatever the topic of conversation they immediate seek to switch it round to their own hobby-horse and just won’t let go. These guys learned boredom on their mother’s knee, graduated through tedium and specialised in graduate school in coma-inducing catatonics. At this point, the fully trained fanatic is assigned one and only one topic to learn in the most stupendous detail then unleashed upon a gullible and unsuspecting public. Their mission: to latch onto any member of the public and drone on and on without letting go for an instant. Their aim is nothing less than the total destruction of civilised converse and life as we know it. 

Irritating

 

The pitch of voice is crucial: it must be dull, flat and monotone. It must have the insistent drone of a distant buzzsaw, the urgency of a mosquito in your ear, and the fatalism of a dead fish. Advanced practitioners whinge, cringe and drone. They even go so far as to wield totally unnecessary hand gestures to emphasise a point of such crushing tedium that it lulls the victim back to near-consciousness to continue the torture. 

Bars, public transport and government waiting rooms are favourite haunts. You feel the thud of someone sitting next to you and with mounting horror you realise you’re trapped. “Isn’t amazing how many people completely fail to be aware of the correct instances where it is permissable to overtake on the inside?” This is the opening shot from guy I met yesterday in Kowloon who labours under the total misapprehension that the world shares his fascination with the UK Highway Code. “How many instances would you say were permissable?”. “Errr…3?” “You couldn’t be more wrong, it’s 4” He then triumphantly proceeds to detail all 4 in the dead tone and lexicon of a driving examiner and your heart sinks. 

There’s a guy in our pub – “Woody Jim” – who only talks about wood. Endlessly. He once did a pub quiz where all 40 questions were wood-based. “Take 3 pieces of coaxial-cut wood, which is the denser? Is it (a) split pine (b) ash or (c) maple?” At first we thought he was sending himself up but as the questions headed into the teens and increasingly woody we realised he was dead serious. After being roundly kicked off he said “I don’t understand. I thought you all liked wood. We talk about it all the time”. No Jim, you do. 

It’s likely these fanatics are intrusive alien avatars sent to test our resistance to the limit before the big invasion. What they lack in the impact of headline terrorists with their “spectaculars” they make up for with their numbers. They are legion, hordes of ’em. Is there any sane and reasonable argument against having them gruesomely killed? 

So we’re different colours/ And we’re different creeds/ And different people have different needs/ It’s obvious you hate me//

Published in: on May 24, 2010 at 1:35 pm  Comments (63)  

Norton AntiIdiot

By our software correspondent Ming the Apoplectic 

Computer caught a bug, normal shop shut, owner not answering phone. Went to new place recommending by Wisut. Grinning lads and dim bints blocking up all access as I struggled in with the computer, all ignoring me. Should have picked it up on dolt radar and fled but persevered in explaining the problem. 

Go back next day. Bug sorted but they’ve deleted all my files and programmes and replaced them with Thai rubbish – dancing teddies, screen saver of happy pigs, Thai pop music channels – and I immediately detonate supernova style. Worst thing to do in Asia of course, but hey. I’ve lost Outlook Express with all my e-mail addresses, business files, a 3 year subscription to Norton Antivirus, Internet Explorer (with all favourites), sound etc etc – and giggling lumpheads aren’t making me see the funny side. I agree to come back next day with a machete. 

Are you sure you want to delete these imbeciles?

They’ve retrieved the business files (6 years daily work) but all else is gone for good. (I had backups, but on Norton which they have deleted.) They showed amazing tact in not asking for payment, especially the one with my thumbprints still on his throat from the day before. 

They said they had restored Norton but when I get home I discover it’s a 30 day free trial prior to purchase (again). So now I’m working through all the programs, deleting idiocy, restoring settings, drawing up a list of things that need professional attention (but not from Chimps R Us). It’ll cost me a packet to get back to Square 1. 

Here’s a taster. Now Norton-less, I have to buy a new package to protect the computer. They won’t post discs to Thailand (rampant piracy) so I have to download. But if I download I won’t have the discs to reinstall the program in the event of future idiocy.  Tried contacting Norton but under Contact Us they don’t have a category for Dolts Deleted My Program but they do want the Product Key the dolts deleted. Stumpered all round. 

And what drives me nutso is that I have absolutely no redress under Thai sensibilities. As Wisut put it, it was my own fault that I went to the shop when there was no-one sensible there (he’s the one who recommended it, remember?). This impeccable Thai Catch 22 hints at new possibilities. A sign outside every shop saying “Sensible/idiotic staff are In/Out”. It would never work – the dolts would never be capable enough to change the signs from day to day. Ah well, mai pen rai. 

PS When you can, send me an e-mail, got to build up my address book from scratch.

I don’t believe it!/ There she goes again!/ She’s tidied up and I can’t find anything!//

Published in: on March 24, 2010 at 1:24 pm  Comments (63)  
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