A day in the life

I read the news today oh boy. In fact I read it 4 times and had no idea I’d read it before.

Lets switch to internal dialogue

Beautiful sunny day again today. What shall we do? Let’s take the morning drugs, stare at the wall all day, take the evening drugs then sleep. Isn’t that what we did yesterday? You betcha. In fact I’ve been doing this a long time haven’t I? Over 50 days – you’re on a roll. I thought it was longer. It is, before then there was the nasal & eye surgery. You’ve been on various heavy drugs since November. When can I do something different? You can’t, you’re very sick. Better have a lie down and stare at the wall for a bit. OK but then I want some internet time. You’ll forget. No, I want to check the footie scores. It takes it out of you, you can’t concentrate for long, then you need to lie down – don’t forget to look at the ceiling cracks. Maybe go to Facebook. Forgotten how you panicked when you saw so many posts that you couldn’t reply to? Had to log off pronto? I’ll read the paper in bed then. You’ve read it several times. Done the crosswords too? Yup.

How long  do I have to do this? It’s not much of a life. You’ve been very sick. You are very sick. Most people take months. Longer. I get so frustrated at not being able to do anything at all. Sick sick sick. Tried reading a book but read the first chapter 3 times, forgetten I’d ever started it, then gave up. Sick. I like visitors and can be funny and engaging. Yeah but the next day you’re weak & exhausted. There’s times I get so ANGRY. Self-pity. Get so FURIOUS when things fuck up.TIT (This is Thailand) Blinding uncontrollable rages that upset loved ones She’s doing everything for you, ungrateful sod. Then I can’t remember what I said, only minutes later. I can’t understand why she’s upset. You try living with you, then you’ll see.

Then there’s the lows. So negative about every single thing.  Full-on depression. No way up. You had one yesterday and broke down sobbing. Yeah, I felt better after it, becoming more positive appeared possible. Had a glimpse of better times Have a lie down, take your drugs. So what shall we do tomorrow? Take the morning drugs, stare at the wall all day, take the evening drugs then sleep.  Isn’t that what we did today? You betcha.

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Published in: on April 27, 2011 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. OK, so this blog is transmogrifying into something a bit more serious than it was before. It was a bit of a laugh before and now its documenting your illness and painful recovery process. Which I think makes it more worthwhile than it was when I just read it to have a laugh.

    So what can I say to make you feel better? Well you know Mr Reliable here – I got zip that’s going to make it all go away. So here are a few platitudes and truisms to be going on with. Illness is a bitch and recovery from it is also a bitch. Its not surprising you feel weak and depressed. The thing you need to hang onto as much as you can is that the rest of your life is not going to be like this. It will get better. Believe it or not the fact that you currently feel like shit is because you are actually a little bit better than when you were really sick and non compos mentis. At the moment you are feeling like you are at bottom and the danger is to start thinking there is no way out. There is a way out and you will find it and start living a good life again. Hold on to that thought.

    I’ll be coming to visit soon and I’ll give you a full update on my intestinal state. That’ll teach you what real misery is!

    • Misery? You wanna talk misery? Set y’rself down, boy, an’ I’ll tell ta all ’bout it.

  2. Cheers mateys, if folks want funny they can write & send me some. Otherwise they need to bear in mind that this is MY BLOG & I’ll do what I like.

    These messages of mine attempt 3 things

    1. To tell people who are interested in how I really am. I can’t do ughs of e-mails so I just refer people to the blog.
    2. To counter people you are not interested in how I am but are wandering about saying “oh, he’s better now” without bothering to ask. (Thanks, Sozzled of Sukhumvit)
    3. To put down benchmarks for myself. Yesterdays post is bang on and if I look at it in a few weeks or months time I hope to see improvements

    PS you want funny? Am agog to see what hot lunch the eponymous one is bringing on his May 6 visit. I’m sure he won’t be expecting Helen to cook for him as well as everything else.

  3. Eponymous eh – stop showing off your big words, we know you were always a smart arse. I’m bringing you the usual diet of my dumb holiday books. If you need other stuff I can get in KL let me know and I’ll try and find it for you.

  4. Take it easy Big Fella, these things take time. Actually you’re not such a Big Fella now na? Start again. Take it easy Medium-ish Fella, these things take time. Don’t get fretful just go through it & before you know it you’ll be having a first beer.


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